i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
You can't motorboat a personality
lets start a swedish sibling band together
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
