6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
