Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
