How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
