I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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