My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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