Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
