i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
