Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
