He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
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