Got a toothbrush?
He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
