i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
her vagine was all disorganized.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
