Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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