I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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