i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
