Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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