saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I'm both gender and math confused
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
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