Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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