I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Randomize
