trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
i think im in europe. pls send help
All the doctor said was why
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
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