Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
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