if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
So here I am, sexting at work.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
