names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
