ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Randomize
