Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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