She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
