Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Randomize
