and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Randomize
