I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Randomize
