I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Randomize
