bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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