I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize
