I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize
