Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
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