I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
And then the night went full on bisexual.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Randomize
