Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
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