Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Randomize
