so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
