I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Randomize
