Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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