If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
