her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
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