so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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