I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
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