Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Randomize
