yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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