it's like iHOP with fire
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
