life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
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