I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
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