Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Randomize
